Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Incredible customer service.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok