customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.