customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.