Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spicy snake

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”