Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

*seductively corrects your posture*

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no