Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”