Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.