Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!