Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Asking the real questions!

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider