customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]