Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
tinder is all about the long game
