Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

True

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

WHO DID THIS?

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one