Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

liiiiiiiiike

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.