Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.