Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

The Compass

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

this came to me in a vision

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss