Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

I just ran a .003048K

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.