Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.


there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them


Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.


Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.


Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*


WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please


The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles


Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.