@JohnLyonTweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

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@Cuntypants

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

@Brocklesnitch

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

@Lazer_Cat_

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

@SarcasticCharm

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

@MumInBits

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@Aikiwomannc

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.