Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Creepy-crawlies
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.