Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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My diet starts in January
of 2027
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
SF is the wild wild west man
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My wife gives the best headache.