Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
lost dog
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?