Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

eggs benadryl

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

David Attenborough, the confusing early years