Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday