Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”