Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light