Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that