Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

lol

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.