Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Acronyms got me like WTF?

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?