Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“