CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Love it! 👍😂
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on