Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

How to make infinite energy.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

welcome back

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.