CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
You Might Also Like
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.