Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

🌱🌱🌱

barbara was highly relatable

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”