Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Anarchy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

I see your IQ test came back negative

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament