customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
You Might Also Like
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP