Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Rather alarming headline…

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

money maker

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing