Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please