Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
these two trucks have the same bed length
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day