Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?