Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

I’m not sorry.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU