Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In banana years, I am bread.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU