Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.