Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.