Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

shit just got real

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

How does someone manage that 🤨

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.