Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

english majors be like furthermore

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.