Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma