Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!