CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me adding lol on a serious message
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.