Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Erm I’m gonna say no

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.