Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”