Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
This headline is a thing of beauty
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”