CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Good morning.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Rich people don’t understand cereal
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde