CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
