Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

👻

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.