Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.