Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

We’ve come full circle

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?