Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]