Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has science gone too far?

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

😂🥴

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

#Caturday

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?