customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”