customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
first you must answer his riddles
Flowers bee like
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef