customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
scares
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting