customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.