Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“TGIM!” – My liver
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My teenage children choosing violence
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.