Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I have many caverns
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up