Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous