Customize Your Wedding.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.