Customize Your Wedding.
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The glockness monster
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
shit just got real
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”