Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

#Caturday

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”