Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Brands during Pride

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.