cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
2022 be like
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
rise and shine we got egg
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays