cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
We don’t deserve birds.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.