cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo




I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.


Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.


her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen


in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism


I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.


7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.