Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?