Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

God, I love Scotland

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Jesus Christ lmao

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

I disagree with my politics

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”